Bottom Ten: Bolivia

And now, as we are a fair and balanced blog, I present the Top Ten things I won't be missing when I leave Bolivia (a.k.a.: The Bottom Ten).

Top Ten Things I Won't Miss From Bolivia

1. Catcalls

I've traveled to a fair number of countries and I've lived in a major American city; however, over months of painstaking and well-documented research, I have determined that Bolivia is the worst place I have ever been in terms of men catcalling at women on the streets. A common occurrence for local women (especially on weekends and at night), the lewd behavior rate rises dramatically if you are a foreigner. Whistles, yelling out of passenger-side windows, verbal abuse once my back is turned - you name it, I've dealt with it here. One guy actually stopped his minivan (yeah…) and asked if I wanted to get in, while another chased me across traffic and a half-mile down the street to see if I wanted to "chat" (I didn't). But at least that man had the decency to hit on me to my face, unlike most others who pretend nothing happened when you shoot them the stink eye. Grow up, Bolivia. Grow. Up. 

2. The Foreign-Accent Syndrome

Approximately every other time I go to the grocery store one of the cashiers insists on acting like my three's (tres) sound like sixes (seis). One can only assume that this is because the two words rhyme in Spanish, but where on earth they are getting the 's' sound confused with the 'tr' sound is beyond me. The most frustrating thing about learning and using a foreign language is probably what I call "The Foreign Accent Syndrome", during which a local refuses to accept that you are speaking their language because you don't have the accent down perfectly. I hereby apologize for being physically incapable of rolling my R's or rattling off Spanish like it's my mother-tongue, but don't act like you don't understand me just because I'm a gringa. 

3. Spotty Internet Service

If numbers 3 an 4 occurred in the States, consumers would go insane and demand refunds. But when you live in developing areas, there are certain limitations you have to come to terms with. One of those things is poor internet service. This certainly isn't the case everywhere, but unless you pay for the utmost premium service (and most people and places don't), expect to lose your internet connection or have slow service fairly often. This wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't interfere directly with 1) video watching, because letting YouTube clips buffer  here can drive you insane, 2) my blogging, which I need to be able to save as I go along, and 3) Skyping home to my family. But, hey: there are worse things in life…

4. Spotty Water Service

…like when some of your water goes out and the rest stays on. Of course, there is no rhyme or reason to this, and the only conclusion I can draw is this: the shower, kitchen sink and backyard pump are all attached to one water system, while the bathroom toilet and sink are connected to something else. Why? I have no fricking clue. Personally, I'd prefer my utilities to crap out (pardon the pun) in this order: outdoor pump, kitchen sink, shower, bathroom sink and finally the toilet. But I never seem to get my way. Get it together, Bolivia - this is nonsense. 

5. Juice With Dinner

As I mentioned in a previous post (Jessica's Top Ten: Bolivia), Del Valle juice is delicious. However, I'm a goddamn grown-up and grown-ups don't drink apple juice with dinner. They. Just. Don't. (They don't drink chocolate milk, either, for the record). Although the occasional whipper-snapper (read: people around or under 30) will man up and order a light, yet refreshing-enough beer* with their meal, most people I know here imbibe one of the following: juice, soda or water. If you don't want to have an adult beverage with your food, then fine, but don't go around drinking juice with your steak or having a coke with every single meal. Apparently here most people find it "weird" to have beer or wine with dinner, but I'm pretty used to getting looked at like a freak, so I just do what I want. "Señor, una cerveza, por favor!"

*Seriously, Bolivia: where's all the real beer? Take a cue from Germany and do it right. 

6. Spanish-Dubbed TV

Not that I ever really want to be watching "Deadliest Catch" on TV, but if I do, don't voiceover the original speech in Spanish. Translated and dubbed TV and films are the bane of bi-lingual speakers the world over; for starters, the jokes and intricacies just doesn't translate well into other languages and the translations never seem to do a very good job. Every person I know here who speaks English would prefer to watch the original movie or show, rather than watch it with dubbing. Voiceovers take away from the main attraction and force your head to explode by focusing on one of two voices: the first, a tiny background voice and the second, a louder competing translation. When I watch Spanish movies, I keep the original language settings intact; why would I ruin the original by forcing a dumbed-down English voiceover into the mix?

7. Extremely Expensive Imports

Most foods and items that can be locally produced are pretty cheap in Bolivia. However, most supermarkets and stores insist on showing off their 'Imported Goods' section, where the prices are bound to skyrocket. Peanut butter, for example, doesn't get made in Bolivia. This means you have to buy a foreign brand such as Jif or Peter Pan; it also means you're going to get royally screwed at check-out. Parmesan cheese is another food item that grates me (get it?) here in Bolivia. Regarding the magical pasta-topper that is parmesan, I get two options: a 40g non-resealable bag imported from Argentina (Bs. 6.30), or a two-pound cylinder of Kraft parmesan (Bs. 112). Now, considering the fact that I put away approximately 200 bolivianos for groceries every week, I'm not about to spend 56% of that money on a hilariously oversized bottle of parmesan cheese. And don't get me wrong: I frickin' LOVE parmesan cheese, but that's just a stupid purchase. Apparently, having an option somewhere between teeny-tiny and Andre the Giant never occurred to local supermarket stockers. 

** Apple products are also incredibly expensive here. Although most people love to show off their fancy iPhones (unlocked and tampered with, of course), nobody owns MacBooks because its impossible to download pirated software onto them. Therefore, when my charger cord gave out, I had to go to an Apple store in Cocha where they charged me an outrageous $107 just for a new charger. My other option was to brave the most dangerous part of town where stolen goods are re-sold and hope that someone had been mugged of their MacBook charger. Not a very tempting offer. **

8. Beggars, Street Performers and Stoplight Sellers

Although larger American cities have their fair share of homeless men and women*, we don't have the abundance of child beggars and random jugglers that many developing nations seem to play host to. I found this to be the case in South Africa as well as Bolivia, and it is not uncommon in these places for poverty-stricken parents to send their kids out to earn a living. In Cocha, every street has at least one child selling candy, trying to wash car windows or asking for money from passerby. In addition to the kids, there are adults who sell items, beg for money or "entertain" you with otherwise useless skills such as fire-throwing and other acrobatic feats. Street performers also tend to get irrationally offended if you don't give them money, despite the fact that you never asked them to juggle for you in the first place. Incidentally, I found the number of people selling items or asking for money on the streets much lower in Perú and Chile, which suggests that their stronger economy also minimizes begging and unpaid performances. 

*Anyone else been heckled by the drug-addled woman on Broad Street in Philly, or am I just a special target?

** Don't even get me started on mariachi bands; if I wanted someone to come along and bring my conversation to a grinding halt, I'd hire an unfit P.E. teacher to come talk about sex-ed. I saw that in a movie once…**

9. Being a Teacher

Anyone who knows me well knows that I always said I would never be a teacher. Well, I guess Justin Bieber got one thing right when he touted the age-old adage of "Never Say Never" (thanks, Biebs). The offer of living abroad in South America (where I had always wanted to visit and which would force me to learn a new language) was just too alluring, so I figured I'd give it a shot and follow in my father's footsteps. Turns out, I was right all along. Some people are cut out to be teachers, but I'm just not one of them. The experience has been pretty awesome and has pushed me well out of my comfort zone, which is good; there are parts of my job that I love and teaching has proven to be extremely rewarding for me. However, I don't think I would want to do it for the rest of my life. I'm a firm believer that we only regret the experiences we didn't take, so I'm glad I took advantage and tried something new, fun and challenging. 

10. Hand-Washing My Clothes 

My first load of washing-machine washed and dryer dried clothes at home is going to be bliss. I'm awkwardly protective over my clothes and their cleanliness, so I dislike the fact that I have to use a dry cleaner for all my pants, shirts, etc. However, it would be pretty impossible to properly wash and dry all my clothes without that help, and the cleaners do a pretty good job. Those things that I can wash, I do, but that means an hour or more of hand-washing in the backyard basin for two-to-three days of clean-ish clothing. Human beings simply cannot wash clothes as well as a machine, and if you think you can, you're wrong (and crazy).* Some items are also impossible to hand-wash, such as sheets. Needless to say, my dad should expect a marked increase in the water bill for the first week or so that I'm home, enjoying the luxuries of first-world American living. 

* Blog post to help you hand-wash your clothes soon-to-come.

** It should also be noted that loose-leaf tea doesn't really exist in Bolivia…or least, I have yet to find it. Having been raised in a British household, this is an absolute atrocity. I eagerly await my first cup of properly-brewed Irish Breakfast tea upon my arrival home. Until then, I just have to close my eyes and think of England. For the record, I found loose-leaf tea in Santiago. Point: Chile.**

See also: Jessica's Top Ten - Bolivia and Jessica's Top Ten - U.S.A

Top Ten: Bolivia

So now you know about the Top Ten things I expect to be waiting for me when I wheel 80 pounds of luggage out of the arrivals gate at JFK (family: take notes). In case you missed it, you can read that installment here: Jessica's Top Ten - U.S.A. 

But, you might be wondering, those are the things you miss from home. What things will you miss from Bolivia once you actually go home?

Well, I'm so glad you asked that, random reader - who more-than-likely is really my mother (hey, Mom) - and here is the answer:

Top Ten Things I Will Miss From Bolivia

1. Salteñas

How to describe salteñas to someone who has never had one? For my British readers, they're *kinda* like a Cornish pasty…but not really. For my American readers, they're kinda like…nothing we really have at home. Unless you count shepherds' pie, which we also stole from the British. A salteña is a baked pastry that is filled with meat (chicken or beef), egg, peas, potato, broth and spices. Here at Los Castores you can get dulce (sweet), normal (a little spice), or picante (spicy); the latter two come with an olive inside, but you can throw that away, because it's nasty. The first weekend at home when I wake up and shout ¡Salteña Sábado! (Salteña Saturday!) is going to be one of the biggest let-downs of my life. 

2. "Easy" International Travel

Having been raised in the United States but also having traveled quite a bit, I am constantly reminded of how much easier the rest of the world has it. Europeans, Central and South Americans and Asians all (generally) live in locations that are considerably more conducive to international travel. For example, on my two week break, I traveled to Perú and Chile (read about our adventures here:) and the flights cost me $525 round-trip, including taxes. For the same price I can fly 3/4 of the way to England and then get booted out of the emergency exit somewhere over the northern edge of the Atlantic. I would call 'not-fairsies' but I'm 24 and the people at ticketing usually look down on me for behavior such as that. The moral of the story is this: if you happen to live in a part of the world where you border several other countries, PLEASE take advantage and enjoy the easy travel; if you don't have that option, try your best to take a big trip to somewhere far-far away and then hit several countries in one vacation. You won't get to do it a lot, so do it right. 

Cue international backlash in: 3, 2, 1…

3. Getting to Call People 'Gordito'

In America, it is generally frowned upon to run around shouting 'fatty!' at people in life. However, in Bolivia (and other Spanish-speaking countries?) the word gordito or gordita  (literally 'chubby' or 'little fat one') can be considered a term of endearment. For example, spray-painted on a wall around the corner from my apartment are the words 'Te amo, gordita' which some pimply-faced 15-year-old presumably tagged for his beloved GF. Apparently this is actually a nice thing to do for a loved one….but maybe not your abuelita or your mother-in-law. 

4. Extremely Cheap Mani/Pedis

Not much to say here expect that manicures in Cochabamba cost 20 bolivianos (~$3) and pedicures cost 30 bolivianos (~$4.50). To put this into perspective, a polish change in Philadelphia costs about $8, a manicure about $15 and a pedicure about $25…and then you have to add a tip. Tipping here is a not customary and happens more often in restaurants than anywhere else. When I go big and get my hair cut and a mani/pedi, it sets me back 120 bolivianos, or one fairly-priced U.S. manicure and half the tip. 

5. Awkward Bi-Language Interactions

Sure, my Spanish is getting better and I can have conversations with friends and store clerks when I want/need to; however, living in a country where you are not fluent in the local lingo and most people don't speak English can pose its fair share of problems. See: trying to explain different vitamins at the pharmacy when you forgot to look up the Spanish word for calcium prior to your visit. For those of you out there with similar issues, Google image search is a godsend. Most South American countries import U.S. products if it is an uncommon item, so the packaging will look the same or similar and you can get your point across and not end up with foot creme when all you wanted was some St. John's Wort. 

6. Extremely Cheap Rent

When I lived in Philadelphia and I found a one-bedroom in the city for $725, I thought I'd really made it. Here I looked at several places, all somewhere around the Bs. 1,000-1,200 / month mark. In dollars that's about $150-175. Depending on your city and how nice the apartment is (and whether it is furnished or not), you might pay as much as $250. Now, given my $500 / month salary that kind of rent can be pretty steep, however, not unmanageable. In the end I found a house with an empty bottom floor and now I rent my own bedroom, mini-living room, kitchen and bathroom (plus storage space) for 550 bolivianos ($80) a month. Yeah, you read that right. But hey - don't forget the whopping 80 bolivianos I set aside for utilities in addition to my rent. That really breaks the bank. 

7. Silpancho

Bolivianos love, love, love their carbs. And silpancho is a perfect example. This dish comes with rice and thick-cut french fries on the bottom, a thinly-sliced piece of meat covering that and a fried egg on top. Add in the tiny sliced onions and you're golden. Plus, if you throw all that crap into a bun, you get trancapecho - another traditional meal with even more carbs! 

8. Extremely Cheap Cab Fares

Okay, so we know spa services and rent are cheap, but what about the taxi cabs? You're in luck, my friend, because not only are the taxi fares cheap and unmetered, they can sometimes be haggled down. This usually depends on the journey and number of passengers. A normal cab ride from one part of town to another will cost about 7-8 bolivianos; a ride to the bus station (10 minutes without traffic, 20 minutes in a jam) is about 15 bolivianos. The highest fare I have ever paid in Bolivia was in La Paz, where a taxi from the airport to the bus station (25-30 minutes) cost me 60 bolivianos. In Cocha things are a little cheaper than La Paz, so don't pay more than 10 bolivianos for a basic cab ride and always agree on a price with the driver before you get in.

9. Del Valle Juice

Bolivia proudly presents Jugo Del Valle (Juice of the Valley) to the masses! Well…to the Bolivian masses. These juices are hecho en Bolivia (made in Bolivia) and are delicious. As most Bolivians do not drink beer or wine with meals, juice becomes the most common beverage to see out at a restaurant. They come in a variety of flavors including manzana (apple), durazno (peach) and tumbo (a local fruit we don't have in the States, similar to passionfruit). 

10. My Awesome Pink Car Phone

Story time: so when I was first in Bolivia and it dawned on us that there was absolutely, unequivocally no way to make my iPhone work (thanks, Verizon), I had to go out to la cancha and buy a mobile phone with a SIM card. I browsed and I compared and eventually I settled on a practical model imported from China, which looks like this:

The headlights light up and when the phone turns on or off it makes a very loud revving noise. The phone also comes with one "non-ringtone ringtone" so when people call me it plays Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' because, damnit, I demand to be respected by my students and my colleagues. Who else thinks this phone did the trick? No one? Awesome…

Top Ten: U.S.A.

There are always benefits and deterrents from working and/or living abroad, but any of us who has spent significant time away from our "mother country" will also recall the 'I Miss' lists we make in our heads while we're gone. 

Ask anyone who has spent more than, say, three months living in another country and they'll be able to rattle off their personal wish list. These lists usually revolve around three things: food, family and personal items. In addition, they tend to get quite lengthy, so I'll save you the time and narrow mine down to a manageable Top Ten.

Top Ten Things I Miss From Home

1. My Niece

Anyone who has kids or nieces/nephews can relate to this. Before when I would travel, I would always miss certain people and things, but I don't think I have ever missed anything in my life more than this beautiful baby girl. My niece was just under two when I left for Bolivia and she will be honing in on three when I come back. I missed her second birthday party and her learning to talk; I missed taking her to the beach and haircuts and new shoes and her picking out an outfit by herself for the first time. I missed Easter eggs hunts and soon I'll miss Halloween. But mostly I just miss seeing her face and all the new things she learned every single day. 

2. My Own Bed

More specifically, my comforter. By the way, whoever named the comforter is a genius, because a good one will keep you in bed long enough to contemplate losing your job just to remain snuggled in down-feather bliss. A person's bed is probably the most personal item in their apartment or house, and sleeping on borrowed or rented mattresses has got to be the worst part of living abroad. Sure, you're grateful to have a bed, but you'd rather have your own. 

3. My Dad's Lasagna

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. Americanized chinese and mexican food are definitely up there, but when it comes to food I miss while away, at-home classics are the way to go. 

4. My Dad's Spaghetti

Not to be confused with number 3. I love this dish even though I found out he uses Bovril in the sauce. Gross, yet inexplicably tasty.

5. My Family

Feel free to judge me for putting my father, mother and sister halfway down this list, but I think they'll understand. We're a traveling family and I'm the globe-trotting leader, so we're all pretty used to the distance. Does it suck being so far away from them for so long? Sure. Will we all survive? Of course. Plus, they get awesome one-of-a-kind gifts whenever I come home, so it's win-win. Right? RIGHT?

6. My Cat

Some people aren't cat people, and those people are wrong. I got Guinness when he was 8 weeks old and he's been a fluffy, awesome pain in my ass ever since. In actuality, Guinness thinks he's a dog, so really it's the best of both worlds. 

7. Driving

Even people who move from the backcountry to the city will understand this one. Owning a car and being able to drive it gives one the power to travel more easily within your chosen town of residence, as well as the chance to GTFO whenever you feel like it. Sans car = no such luck. I drove once in Bolivia and It. Was. Awesome. 

8. My Niece 

Yeah, she's on here twice. What about it?

9. Netflix

You know that feeling when you could only bring a handful of DVD's on your year-long trip abroad and you DON'T have internet at home to amuse yourself with silly cat videos? Well, I do. And it sucks. Watching your favorite flicks in random languages becomes a lot more fun than you ever thought it would be...right before you vow to never ever watch that movie again. Sorry, Hugh: 'Notting Hill' is out of rotation for a good year or so. See you in 2015. 

10. Target

Need I say more?

** In addition to the above items, my iPhone should be somewhere on this list. As of right now, my "dinosaur" of an iPhone 4 is working wonderfully as 1) an extremely expensive iPod and 2) the occasional internet-surfing machine. I doubt I will ever love Miami more than when the plane touches down and I can finally use this device as an actual phone once again. Expect an influx of texts and phone calls. **

Read Also: Jessica's Top Ten - Bolivia