And now, as we are a fair and balanced blog, I present the Top Ten things I won't be missing when I leave Bolivia (a.k.a.: The Bottom Ten).
Top Ten Things I Won't Miss From Bolivia
1. Catcalls
I've traveled to a fair number of countries and I've lived in a major American city; however, over months of painstaking and well-documented research, I have determined that Bolivia is the worst place I have ever been in terms of men catcalling at women on the streets. A common occurrence for local women (especially on weekends and at night), the lewd behavior rate rises dramatically if you are a foreigner. Whistles, yelling out of passenger-side windows, verbal abuse once my back is turned - you name it, I've dealt with it here. One guy actually stopped his minivan (yeah…) and asked if I wanted to get in, while another chased me across traffic and a half-mile down the street to see if I wanted to "chat" (I didn't). But at least that man had the decency to hit on me to my face, unlike most others who pretend nothing happened when you shoot them the stink eye. Grow up, Bolivia. Grow. Up.
2. The Foreign-Accent Syndrome
Approximately every other time I go to the grocery store one of the cashiers insists on acting like my three's (tres) sound like sixes (seis). One can only assume that this is because the two words rhyme in Spanish, but where on earth they are getting the 's' sound confused with the 'tr' sound is beyond me. The most frustrating thing about learning and using a foreign language is probably what I call "The Foreign Accent Syndrome", during which a local refuses to accept that you are speaking their language because you don't have the accent down perfectly. I hereby apologize for being physically incapable of rolling my R's or rattling off Spanish like it's my mother-tongue, but don't act like you don't understand me just because I'm a gringa.
3. Spotty Internet Service
If numbers 3 an 4 occurred in the States, consumers would go insane and demand refunds. But when you live in developing areas, there are certain limitations you have to come to terms with. One of those things is poor internet service. This certainly isn't the case everywhere, but unless you pay for the utmost premium service (and most people and places don't), expect to lose your internet connection or have slow service fairly often. This wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't interfere directly with 1) video watching, because letting YouTube clips buffer here can drive you insane, 2) my blogging, which I need to be able to save as I go along, and 3) Skyping home to my family. But, hey: there are worse things in life…
4. Spotty Water Service
…like when some of your water goes out and the rest stays on. Of course, there is no rhyme or reason to this, and the only conclusion I can draw is this: the shower, kitchen sink and backyard pump are all attached to one water system, while the bathroom toilet and sink are connected to something else. Why? I have no fricking clue. Personally, I'd prefer my utilities to crap out (pardon the pun) in this order: outdoor pump, kitchen sink, shower, bathroom sink and finally the toilet. But I never seem to get my way. Get it together, Bolivia - this is nonsense.
5. Juice With Dinner
As I mentioned in a previous post (Jessica's Top Ten: Bolivia), Del Valle juice is delicious. However, I'm a goddamn grown-up and grown-ups don't drink apple juice with dinner. They. Just. Don't. (They don't drink chocolate milk, either, for the record). Although the occasional whipper-snapper (read: people around or under 30) will man up and order a light, yet refreshing-enough beer* with their meal, most people I know here imbibe one of the following: juice, soda or water. If you don't want to have an adult beverage with your food, then fine, but don't go around drinking juice with your steak or having a coke with every single meal. Apparently here most people find it "weird" to have beer or wine with dinner, but I'm pretty used to getting looked at like a freak, so I just do what I want. "Señor, una cerveza, por favor!"
*Seriously, Bolivia: where's all the real beer? Take a cue from Germany and do it right.
6. Spanish-Dubbed TV
Not that I ever really want to be watching "Deadliest Catch" on TV, but if I do, don't voiceover the original speech in Spanish. Translated and dubbed TV and films are the bane of bi-lingual speakers the world over; for starters, the jokes and intricacies just doesn't translate well into other languages and the translations never seem to do a very good job. Every person I know here who speaks English would prefer to watch the original movie or show, rather than watch it with dubbing. Voiceovers take away from the main attraction and force your head to explode by focusing on one of two voices: the first, a tiny background voice and the second, a louder competing translation. When I watch Spanish movies, I keep the original language settings intact; why would I ruin the original by forcing a dumbed-down English voiceover into the mix?
7. Extremely Expensive Imports
Most foods and items that can be locally produced are pretty cheap in Bolivia. However, most supermarkets and stores insist on showing off their 'Imported Goods' section, where the prices are bound to skyrocket. Peanut butter, for example, doesn't get made in Bolivia. This means you have to buy a foreign brand such as Jif or Peter Pan; it also means you're going to get royally screwed at check-out. Parmesan cheese is another food item that grates me (get it?) here in Bolivia. Regarding the magical pasta-topper that is parmesan, I get two options: a 40g non-resealable bag imported from Argentina (Bs. 6.30), or a two-pound cylinder of Kraft parmesan (Bs. 112). Now, considering the fact that I put away approximately 200 bolivianos for groceries every week, I'm not about to spend 56% of that money on a hilariously oversized bottle of parmesan cheese. And don't get me wrong: I frickin' LOVE parmesan cheese, but that's just a stupid purchase. Apparently, having an option somewhere between teeny-tiny and Andre the Giant never occurred to local supermarket stockers.
** Apple products are also incredibly expensive here. Although most people love to show off their fancy iPhones (unlocked and tampered with, of course), nobody owns MacBooks because its impossible to download pirated software onto them. Therefore, when my charger cord gave out, I had to go to an Apple store in Cocha where they charged me an outrageous $107 just for a new charger. My other option was to brave the most dangerous part of town where stolen goods are re-sold and hope that someone had been mugged of their MacBook charger. Not a very tempting offer. **
8. Beggars, Street Performers and Stoplight Sellers
Although larger American cities have their fair share of homeless men and women*, we don't have the abundance of child beggars and random jugglers that many developing nations seem to play host to. I found this to be the case in South Africa as well as Bolivia, and it is not uncommon in these places for poverty-stricken parents to send their kids out to earn a living. In Cocha, every street has at least one child selling candy, trying to wash car windows or asking for money from passerby. In addition to the kids, there are adults who sell items, beg for money or "entertain" you with otherwise useless skills such as fire-throwing and other acrobatic feats. Street performers also tend to get irrationally offended if you don't give them money, despite the fact that you never asked them to juggle for you in the first place. Incidentally, I found the number of people selling items or asking for money on the streets much lower in Perú and Chile, which suggests that their stronger economy also minimizes begging and unpaid performances.
*Anyone else been heckled by the drug-addled woman on Broad Street in Philly, or am I just a special target?
** Don't even get me started on mariachi bands; if I wanted someone to come along and bring my conversation to a grinding halt, I'd hire an unfit P.E. teacher to come talk about sex-ed. I saw that in a movie once…**
9. Being a Teacher
Anyone who knows me well knows that I always said I would never be a teacher. Well, I guess Justin Bieber got one thing right when he touted the age-old adage of "Never Say Never" (thanks, Biebs). The offer of living abroad in South America (where I had always wanted to visit and which would force me to learn a new language) was just too alluring, so I figured I'd give it a shot and follow in my father's footsteps. Turns out, I was right all along. Some people are cut out to be teachers, but I'm just not one of them. The experience has been pretty awesome and has pushed me well out of my comfort zone, which is good; there are parts of my job that I love and teaching has proven to be extremely rewarding for me. However, I don't think I would want to do it for the rest of my life. I'm a firm believer that we only regret the experiences we didn't take, so I'm glad I took advantage and tried something new, fun and challenging.
10. Hand-Washing My Clothes
My first load of washing-machine washed and dryer dried clothes at home is going to be bliss. I'm awkwardly protective over my clothes and their cleanliness, so I dislike the fact that I have to use a dry cleaner for all my pants, shirts, etc. However, it would be pretty impossible to properly wash and dry all my clothes without that help, and the cleaners do a pretty good job. Those things that I can wash, I do, but that means an hour or more of hand-washing in the backyard basin for two-to-three days of clean-ish clothing. Human beings simply cannot wash clothes as well as a machine, and if you think you can, you're wrong (and crazy).* Some items are also impossible to hand-wash, such as sheets. Needless to say, my dad should expect a marked increase in the water bill for the first week or so that I'm home, enjoying the luxuries of first-world American living.
* Blog post to help you hand-wash your clothes soon-to-come.
See also: Jessica's Top Ten - Bolivia and Jessica's Top Ten - U.S.A
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